A “Lucartive” Offer

October 28, 2011 | By mondomark.com

I am Bronzonious! Master of Time-bending! I glide through space with the speed of polyester!

This morning I found an email from some pinhead in Malaysia presenting a “lucartive” offer “to the tune of Forty-Eight Million” Euros.

The header actually began with a “RE” which presumed I responded to a prior request for more info regarding this lucartive deal, but sadly, I had not, because I’m wholly unfamiliar with the concept of being enticed by a lucariously fabulous offer to do nothing in exchange of a 60% cut of 48 Billion Euros, which I’ve frankly no idea what to do with.

I mean, I’d like to own a car again, and move to a large home that’s soundproofed to code and isn’t affected by the bizarre fall tide of wandering maggots at 12:30am, but there’s something rather suspicious when some dude who purports to be the Executive Director of some bank in a country I’ve never visited says he has monies bigger than a Province’s annual GDP he’s willing to split for no apparent reason.

Maybe it’s the mercury in retrograde, or a full moon; or perhaps, when an individual like this sudden & unexpected benefactor is in a state of lucaria, someone – why, anyone – is hand-picked from the soon-to-be 7 billion that inhabit this orb. It could’ve been you, but instead, it was me, which means I must be more special than you, otherwise why would I be graced with odds higher than being struck by lightning while sleeping on a cruise ship at the precise moment I’m dreaming of the colour blue, and a tarantula is about to pinch my big toe with a pair of wooden soup spoons?

It is possible that lucaria is more than a state of bliss and wonder; maybe it’s the ultimate state of bliss, directly attributed to the act of magnanimous giving; or perhaps it’s like a chain letter, where he gives, I receive, and I in turn do the 40/60 split in your favour, too, which you’re obliged to follow, because karmically, you’ve been chosen to lucariously share in the wealth for doing absolutely nothing. Why, it almost sounds ludicrous!

Of course, if that logic is followed to the letter, at some point the end-user will get a 60/40 split of nothing, which means he or she will lose, which begs the question: If lucaria is directly linked to the act of giving, but one receives absolutely nothing except stale air or a jellybean with a boot print, is ‘nothing’ still of symbolic moral value, or have you essentially been screwed out of good karmic lucaria?

Feeling a bit lucarious myself, I feel this information is too wondrous to keep in selfish hands, so I’ve chosen to share the wealth of knowledge, and copy & paste the precise words of this lucarious soul.

Maybe you know him, or maybe you too have received a similar offer, although if we’ve both been chosen, then someone is indeed lying, and you’re either taking my 60% of 48 Billion Euros, or I’m taking yours, which means we’ll have to engage in a regulated game of knifey-spoony to declare a winner.

Until then, here is the spam sent by some schmuck who failed to use spell-check for the header, a blunder that immediately signals to anyone that those infamous, bogus emails of Great Financial Gains from Nigeria are now being replaced by random email offers of 40 Billion Euros, a grand, delusional sum floating around the internet, now that Gaddafi’s son Moatassem-Billah is somewhere feeding desert snakes and rolling spiders in the Sahara with his Pop-pop.

If you receive this email from said pinhead, will you be lured by the dream of swimming in a sea of happiness with lucariously joyous dolphins, or will you hit the delete key?

This dose of satirical silliness is sponsored by Luca Lucariosa, inventor of Luca-Cola, the Wheat-based drink that’s taking over the world with its karmically beneficial sweetness.

Mark R. Hasan, Editor

KQEK.com ( Main Site / Mobile Site )

Header – Re: Lucartive Offer

Good Day,

I am Majid Bin Mohamad, Executive Director of Al Rajhi Bank Malaysia.

I have a lucrative business proposal for you in the tune of Forty-Eight Million EUR,

after successful transfer. The said funds belong to late Moatassem-Billah Gaddafi

who was killed during Libya conflict 2011. He was also the son of late president Gaddafi of Libya

and the National Security Advisor of Libya.

We shall share in the ratio of forty for you and sixty for me.

Please reply for more details if interested

Best Regard