Comin’ at Ya: Orphan 3D Films, Part I

January 1, 2011 | By

Well, it’s now the year of Bugs Bunny (er, the Rabbit), according to Chinese astrology, and apparently 2011 will not suck for many of us (except roosters).

A positive sign can be traced to the final weeks of this past December in which Prime Minister Stephen Harper didn’t prorogue parliament. That’s the first time in 2 years our government wasn’t shut down because the PM didn’t get what he wanted. I doubt it’s a sign of maturity or a more benevolent Steve, but it’s nice power wasn’t abused for purely selfish reasons.

Torontoist reports the Toronto Public Library system will undergo cutbacks really soon because people ‘don’t need no stinkin’ libraries’ in key downtown locales.

Apparently the Urban Affairs branch at Metro Hall is doomed because people and students in the vicinity don’t like reading new books, and would prefer to travel to Bloor & Yonge at the Reference Library for all their needs.

A large percentage of the electorate who voted for Rob Ford should feel satisfied one car formerly attached to that horrid gravy train is being scrapped for its metal, and those dribblings of beef that have besmirched the rails of progress are no longer greased with dangerously slippery Bisto.

Kids have lost their heads licking the rails for extra protein, so this is good news.

If this is the first wave of anti-downtown measures, perhaps the city of Toronto should become a free city. It sort of worked for Danzig, although we should hold a plebiscite so the GTA can hear F.U. in crisp DTS Audio Master clarity.

Just uploaded are a pair of reviews for fifties 3D films no one cares about but should, because they’re fun, and ought to be among the first wave of classic films studios should released on 3D-HD, either via broadcast or on BR.

I’ll scribble and blather about the validity of the multiple home 3D systems on the market shortly, but if anything good comes from this new format being badly marketed and sold to consumers without a consistent standard among manufacturers, it should be the outright restoration / rescue of 3D films languishing and disintegrating in vaults. Now’s the time, bean counters, to dust off those negatives and surviving prints and get these movies back into circulation before the people that want them die off.

It’s not a joke. Each generation cares less for classic films, old-time stars, and classic TV series, and that’s why the on-demand DVD-Rs are being adopted by several studios. People still want them, but there’s less of them, and that’s why those titles sell for the unnecessary price of $19.95 when they should be $9.95.

The potential of these actors actually appearing in this configuration may be pure B.S.

Inferno [M] (1953) is one of the better 3D films because, like Alfred Hitchcock, director Roy Ward Baker used the format to place us on the sidelines, as poor Robert Ryan desiccates onscreen under the broiling sun.

It’s a great Fox film has been screened on TV at one time or another in crappy anaglyph 3D, but it is available in Spain (flat) on DVD.

Spain has the world’s biggest classic movie store, where they sell movies on real DVDs, and I want to visit this magical place and do the Dance of Joy & Gratitude, since Fox doesn’t care about its other unreleased classics.

Witness the Anniversary box that contains nothing new (okay, it has Cavalcade, which should’ve been released years ago on DVD when more of its target audience was still alive), nor the 3-CD tribute box that reissues things collectors already have.

Also reviewed is Dangerous Mission [M] (1954), an Irwin Allen-produced suspenser with Piper Laurie ooing at Victor Mature’s muscles as he wrestles electrical cables because there are no tigers are Glacier National Park.

Oh look! You can spot the villain before seeing the movie!

You think I’m on crack?

Read the review.

This gem played at 2nd World 3D Film Expo in Hollywood, back in 2006, and  the Dial-Up trailer link on this page still works (albeit at postage stamp size).





Mark R. Hasan, Editor

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